


The Weight We Carry Is Love

by piratequeenofgreenthings



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Hurt/Comfort, look sometimes you just have to write the kid fic that your heart desires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26308990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piratequeenofgreenthings/pseuds/piratequeenofgreenthings
Summary: ‘Hello?’ Toby asked.‘Toby?’ His father’s voice unmistakable even through the phone.‘Yes?’‘There’s been an accident.’ Toby’s stomach dropped and he felt sick as fear gripped his heart. ‘It’s Josh and Sam.’
Relationships: Abbey Bartlet/Jed Bartlet
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29





	The Weight We Carry Is Love

**Author's Note:**

> Look at me go posting another WIP before I've finished my last but hey ho I have absolutely no impulse control so here is the result of me combining my two favourite west wing fanfic genres- the Bartlet's adopting the core four (is that what we're calling them?) and Sam or Josh getting injured somehow- as no one else really had and I wanted to see it, so I wrote it. What you are about to read is purely self-indulgent and I have really enjoyed writing it, so hopefully it may get updated. I'm currently writing the second chapter so maybe that'll be up at some point. Anyway I hope you enjoy what is basically the contents of my brain when I'm trying to get to sleep. (Also this was only supposed to be like 3k and now its 18k whooops)

Noise filled Josh’s ears as he slowly opened his eyes blinking at the harshness of the flashing blue lights. He tried to move but someone held him down.

‘Easy, son, we’ve got you.’ Josh blinked again and the blurry face of the paramedic strapping a neck brace around him came in view.

‘Sam.’ Josh tried to croak out unable to move his head to see Sam in the passenger seat beside him.

‘Is that your friend? Sam?’ The paramedic asked. 

‘My brother.’ Josh replied, attempting again to catch a glimpse of Sam from the corner of his eye but all he could see was the blood that was dripping from his hairline into his eyes.

‘Your brother? I’ve got two brothers myself they drive me mad but I love them.’ The paramedic said. ‘I’m Cameron.’ He added.

‘Josh’. Josh said trying not to think about how much trouble he was going to be in when his father saw the state of the car. ‘Is my brother ok?’

‘My colleague’s taking good care of him, don’t you worry. Just focus on staying awake, keep talking to me.’

‘He’s only seventeen.’ Josh said desperately. ‘He’s afraid of needles, like terrified, my mom’s the only person he lets give him a shot; she’s a doctor.’ 

‘Ok, well we’ll bear that in mind. I promise you that Sally, my colleague here, is looking after Sam.’

‘No needles.’ Josh repeated emphatically.

‘No needles.’ Cameron agreed soothingly like he was talking to a child.

‘He really is afraid.’ Josh added not convinced that Cameron was taking his brother’s needle phobia seriously.

‘I know, Josh, you’ve told me. Don’t worry Sam’s in good hands.’

‘Toby’s going to kill me.’ Josh moaned thinking of his older brother and the quiet rage that could fill him up especially where Sam was concerned. Vivid memories of last summer when Sam visited Josh at Harvard and ended up sprawled at the bottom of the Widener Library steps with a broken wrist, how Toby had yelled at him for not keeping an eye on Sam like Sam was a puppy that needed a leash and not just an overly clumsy sixteen-year-old.

‘Who’s Toby?’ Cameron asked and Josh hissed in pain as Cameron continued to work.

‘My older brother.’ Josh said. 

‘You’re like me then one older brother, one younger.’

‘No.’ Josh went to shake his head but was stopped by the brace holding his head in place. ‘Two older sisters and two younger sisters too.’

‘Seven kids? Your poor mother.’ Cameron laughed.

‘Adopted.’ Josh managed to get out but Cameron didn’t seem to hear him as he pulled away. ‘We’re adopted.’

‘Now Josh, I need to listen to me ok? They’re going to have to cut you out of the car, I promise I’m not going anywhere. It’s going to be very loud and not very nice for you but I give you my word I’ll be back as soon as we can get to you.’ Cameron climbed out through the shattered window that Josh hadn’t noticed before. He was right, the noise of whatever it was they were using to cut through the car was unbearable and Josh couldn’t help but squeeze his eyes shut. The noise stopped suddenly and Cameron was back his firm hand on Josh’s shoulder as Josh was lifted from the car and placed on a stretcher.

‘Sam!’ He called out, flicking his eyes left and right trying to catch a glimpse of his brother straining against the strap holding his head in place.

‘He’s being taken care of Josh. They’re putting him in the other ambulance.’ Cameron said as they loaded him into the ambulance. Only now as the adrenaline began to drain was Josh becoming aware of the searing pain in his leg.

‘My leg.’ He said through gritted teeth trying to reach forward and see.

‘Just lie back, you’ve fractured your leg that’s why it hurts.’ Cameron said to him. Josh stopped struggling against all the restraints. He couldn’t tell if it was blood or tears that fell from his face trickling down the side of his cheeks. The journey to the hospital wasn’t particularly long and once they got there, they rushed him in. Josh’s eyes burned from the harsh artificial lights on the ceiling of the ER as he was being wheeled in, suddenly a stretcher carrying someone with very dark hair was rushed past him.

‘Sam!’ He shouted once more but he couldn’t see his brother anywhere. 

‘Josh, we need to give you a CT scan to check for any internal bleeding and then you’ll be going into surgery.’ A softly spoken but firm nurse said to him as he was being wheeled through the hallway.

‘Surgery?’ Everything was moving so quickly all he could do was catch fragments of what people were saying to him.

‘You’ve got a compound fracture in your right leg it means the bone has broken through the skin so they just need to repair it.’

The CT scan was mercifully quick and then he was whisked away to the operating room his questions about Sam ignored. The next thing he was aware of was the nice nurse with the firm voice telling him to wake up. He blinked his eyes open; his mind felt foggy and his limbs were heavy.

‘Joshua.’ His mother was at his side holding tightly onto his hand. His father stood behind her his hand on her shoulder.

‘Dad, the car.’ Josh tried to get the words out but his mind was slow and words felt hard to form. His father shook his head and it could just be his imagination but it almost seemed as if his father had been crying.

‘Don’t worry about it we’re just glad you’re alive.’

‘Sam!’ Josh tried to sit up as he remembered his brother was with him in the car but there were stabbing pains in his side and his leg was in agony. The nurse pushed him back, handing him a morphine pump which Josh gratefully pressed letting the drug flood his senses with cool relief.

‘Sam’s still in surgery, honey.’ His mother said gently.

‘What’s wrong with him?’ He asked. 

‘Josh was there a chance that Sam wasn’t wearing his seatbelt?’ His father asked gently. Josh tried to think but his memory was fuzzy and the morphine was clouding his senses.

‘I-I don’t know…can't remember.’ He could feel himself growing agitated as he tried to cast his mind back to the crash but his memory was frustratingly blank.

‘It’s okay, sweetheart you sleep now. We’ll wake you when there’s news of Sam.’ His mother said soothingly and Josh let himself drift into a dreamless sleep.

**********  
_One hour after_  
The moment Toby got the call would stick in his memory forever. He was visiting CJ at Berkley and it was late in California, just past three am. He was slightly tipsy and CJ was walking the fine line between drunk and tipsy. They were reminiscing about their teen years and it was nice until it wasn’t. CJ’s landline rang relentlessly shrill cutting through their conversation. She stumbled over to the phone grinning at Toby as she answered, the smile faded almost immediately and Toby watched as she sobered up. She beckoned him over and then handed him the phone silently.

‘Hello?’ Toby asked shooting CJ a confused look as she nibbled anxiously at her nails.

‘Toby?’ His father’s voice was unmistakable even through the phone.

‘Yes?’

‘There’s been an accident.’ Toby’s stomach dropped and he felt sick as fear gripped his heart. ‘It’s Josh and Sam.’

Toby almost dropped the phone and CJ’s hand gripped his arm tightly offering support. She’d heard this already so she knew what Toby was about to hear. Toby just about managed to stay upright as his father explained, Josh was home for the holidays and offered to pick Sam up from a party, they were on a back road it was dark- Toby absentmindedly thought of how dark it can get in New Hampshire especially now they’re almost halfway through December- there was a drunk driver, he hit the car, they think Josh swerved but it was icy or something. It wasn’t looking good. His father took a deep breath before he said what he said next.

‘Sam went through the windshield.’ Toby did drop the phone then and sank to the floor as CJ let go of his arm to grab the phone and then she was pressing the phone to his ear as his father asked him repeatedly if he’s still there.

‘I’m here.’ Toby managed to get out between the deep breaths he took, the alcohol from earlier threatened to make a reappearance.

‘They don’t think he was wearing a seatbelt.’

‘Is he okay?’ It was a stupid question and Toby knew it; Sam went through the windshield and yet it was all he could think to ask.

‘He’s in surgery, he’s going to be in there for a while.’

‘And Josh?’ Toby asked belatedly praying to a god he’s not sure he believes in that his other brother was alright.

‘Still in surgery. Couple of broken bones and some internal bleeding, I can’t make much sense of it really, your mother’s been talking to the doctors for a while she’ll explain better than I can. But they think he’ll make a full recovery, that’s what’s important.’

‘Good.’ Toby let out the breath he was holding. ‘CJ and I will get the next flight out.’

‘No, Toby. Listen, Sam’s going to be in surgery for some time and Josh will probably be asleep there’s no point you flying out at this time. Get some sleep and fly out tomorrow morning.’

‘Dad, we’ll get the next flight out.’ Toby insisted.

‘Toby, I mean it, get some sleep you’ll be no use to anyone if you’re tired.’

‘Okay.’ Toby was too emotionally exhausted to argue. He silently handed the phone back to CJ who said goodbye to their father and then she hung up the phone. Toby stood as soon as his legs felt able and began collecting his things into the one suitcase he brought.

‘I take it you’re going to get the next flight out then.’ It was a statement not a question and all Toby did was nod. CJ stood and began gathering her things too.

‘You don’t have to-,’ Toby started to say but CJ silenced him with a sharp look.

‘They’re my brothers too.’ She said quietly after they’ve both gathered their things.

‘I know.’ Toby said just as quietly. They left CJ’s small apartment and hailed a taxi to take them to the airport. The next flight to Manchester wasn’t for six hours but there was one going to Boston in an hour so they get that one but they get delayed for five hours so they might as well have gotten the Manchester flight. When they finally reach Boston, they get a rental car and drive the rest of the way to Manchester arriving at the hospital fifteen hours after they originally left. When they finally reached the hospital reception, Toby got into an argument with the woman at the desk. 

‘Joshua Bartlet and Samuel Bartlet, they came in last night, they were in a car accident. That’s B-A-R-T-L-E-T, how many times do I need to say that!’ He yelled for what felt like the millionth time and once again CJ’s hand was on his arm grounding him as the flustered receptionist searched on the computer.

‘Toby? CJ?’ Their mother’s voice cut through Toby’s yells and together they turned, the two oldest of the Bartlet’s adoptive children, still in sync even after some years of living in different states. Abbey Bartlet stared back at them, her usually formidable aura was diminished and she looked broken. She paused before rushing over to them and enveloping them both in a hug. They held on tightly to her.

‘I’ve got this.’ She pulled away addressing the receptionist and Toby gave her an apologetic look aware it wouldn’t make up for the way he just yelled at her as he followed his mother through the hospital hallways. When they reached the elevator, she turned to them.

‘Josh’s surgery went well. He had some internal bleeding and they managed to drain the area. He also broke his right femur, tibia, and right collarbone- the tibia fracture was a compound fracture which means the bone had broken through the skin but they managed to repair it pretty well. He’ll need extensive physical therapy but he should make a full recovery.’

‘Good. That’s good.’ Toby heard CJ say.

‘What about Sam?’ He asked and his mother paused.

‘It’s not so good.’ She said eventually. ‘He wasn’t wearing his seatbelt so he went through the windshield. He had massive internal injuries and brain trauma, he-,’ she took a shuddering deep breath, ‘His heart stopped during the surgery but they were able to resuscitate. He’s currently unresponsive.’

‘He’s in a coma?’ CJ asked.

‘Yes.’ His mother replied just as the elevator arrived. They stepped in and rode up in silence. Toby watched the illuminated numbers climb slowly upwards until the elevator stopped. They emerged out onto the recovery ward and Abbey led them to Josh’s bed. The first thing Toby noticed was how pale Josh was, the red of the cuts on his face was stark against the white of his skin. He gave them a tired smile when he saw them. Their older sister, Liz and two younger sisters, Ellie and Zoey sat next to him. Liz seemed to be talking to Josh while Ellie, just turned thirteen, picked at the thread on Josh’s bedspread and eight-year-old Zoey had climbed up onto the bed curling herself under Josh’s uninjured arm. Liz looked up when they walked in and she gave them a curt nod as CJ rushed to Josh’s side immediately. She pushed back the hair that had flopped forward onto his forehead. 

‘Stop fussing, Ceej.’ He mumbled unable to push her away.

‘How are you feeling Josh?’ Toby asked moving closer to the bed.

‘Like I got hit by truck.’ Josh remarked wryly and Toby cracked a smile that felt foreign to his stiff muscles. He felt someone at his side and glanced down to see Ellie worming her arms around his waist and hugging him tightly. He hugged her back and she let go quickly going to hug CJ. Toby turned his attention to his mother who began rearranging Josh’s pillows.

‘Mom, stop. I’m fine.’ Josh protested.

‘You were in a car accident Joshua; you have multiple broken bones and were bleeding internally. You are not fine’

‘Well, my pillows are fine. Mom, seriously you’re freaking me out.’ Abbey stopped her fussing giving Josh a pointed look that shut him up but he still mumbled something about feeling stifled underneath his breath.

‘Where’s Dad?’ Toby asked directing his question at Abbey who had now settled into a chair by Josh's bed.

‘He’s with Sam.’ She said quietly.

‘Can I go see him?’ Toby asked.

‘Bored of me already?’ Josh quipped.

‘Josh.’ Toby said with a warning tone, he wasn’t in the mood for jokes, but he didn’t miss how Josh’s face fell replaced by a haunted expression that chilled Toby’s bones.

‘I’ll take you up there now.’ Abbey said quietly. ‘They only allow two visitors at a time.’ She added when CJ went to follow too. Toby watched his sister sit back down reluctantly and he followed Abbey out of the room. They wandered around the corridors and up some stairs until they approached a sign informing them that they had reached the pediatric intensive care unit. They walked past beds of children and teenagers hooked up to various machines, it was eerily quiet apart from the monotonous beeping of the machines. They reached a private room with one bed in and despite all the wires and machines Toby recognized clearly the unconscious form of his younger brother. Next to him was his father who sat in silence stroking Sam’s hand. Abbey laid a hand on Toby’s shoulder.

‘It’s good if you announce yourself to him.’ She said before leaving him to walk in alone. His father looked up when he walked in.

‘Hi Toby.’ He said quietly reaching up to push Sam’s hair off his forehead in a gesture reminiscent of the way CJ had pushed away Josh’s hair. Toby took the seat on Sam’s other side and held Sam’s free hand. ‘Go on talk to him.’ Jed told him and Toby cleared his throat.

‘Hi Sam, it’s Toby.’ Jed nodded encouragingly at him but Toby couldn’t think of anything else to say so he settled for silence.

‘I keep going over everything in my mind and I just can’t think why he wouldn’t be wearing his seatbelt.’ Jed said after some time, not looking at Toby. ‘He’s such a careful boy, always has been ever since he came to us.’

Toby remembered the day Sam arrived. Ellie was just one and the Bartlet’s had decided against any more children after Ellie’s surprise arrival. Five was enough, Toby remembered his mother saying and then their old social worker asked if they would take an emergency foster and Sam turned up on their doorstep not two hours later. The smallest six-year-old Toby had ever seen, with the biggest, bluest eyes. His clothes hung off his bony frame and he wouldn’t make eye contact with any of them and yet he quietly wormed his way into all of their hearts until none of them could imagine life without him. His father was right though, Sam was always careful and meticulous, Josh was the reckless one, not Sam.

‘What does Josh say?’ He asked.

‘Said he doesn’t remember. Retrograde amnesia they’re calling it apparently it happens after a trauma. He remembers collecting Sam from the party and then the next thing he remembers is waking up in the car.’ Jed brought Sam’s hand up to his mouth and kissed it gently. ‘Do you remember how he used to follow you around?’ He asked smiling at Toby but Toby couldn’t bring himself to smile back.

‘Yeah, I do.’ He managed to say swallowing hard to rid himself of the lump that had formed in his throat.

‘I remember that first winter he was with us and he didn’t have a coat so we gave him your old one and it was about five sizes too big for him but he wore it all the time, couldn’t get the damn thing off of him.’ Jed smiled fondly reaching out again to stroke Sam’s hair and it was all too much for Toby to bear when he knew with absolute certainty that if Sam were aware of what was happening he would push his father’s hand away, protesting that he was far too old to have his hair stroked by his father, but Sam wasn’t aware at all and the room they were in was too small and too hot and Toby was increasingly aware of how much harder it was to breathe. He jumped up dropping Sam’s hand, turning away before he can watch it fall lifelessly onto the bed. He mumbled something about needing to use the restroom and rushed out before he had a breakdown in front of his father. Once out in the corridor he sank to the floor his head in his hands unable to get the image of Sam through that damn windshield out of his head. Was he scared? Did he wish Toby was there the same way he had at seven creeping into Toby’s room complaining of nightmares? Anger replaced Toby's panic and he turned his energy to blaming Josh. He knew that it was wrong, that it wasn’t Josh’s fault, it was the fault of the drunk driver but Toby couldn’t help it as he thought back to the number of times he’d lectured Josh about driving too fast especially with Sam in the car. It didn’t matter that mere hours ago he was just as worried about Josh as he was about Sam because he had seen Josh alive and well, if not a little beat up, but undeniably Josh, he didn’t recognize the stranger in Sam’s bed. He thought he did but now it was clear whoever that was it wasn’t Sam; Sam should be sat up arguing with him on the finer points of debate etiquette or something. It was Josh’s fault he decided. And then because he was so disgusted at himself for blaming his younger brother who was probably doing the exact same thing, he blamed himself. Yes, it was his own fault he decided, he hadn’t settled on why exactly but it would come to him soon. It had to be his fault; he didn’t lecture Sam enough about wearing a seatbelt or maybe Sam saw him not wear a seatbelt once and decided to emulate him forever, either way, it had to be his fault. 

He was still sat on the hospital floor with his head in his hands when Liz came to sit with him. He didn’t notice her at first, she could be so quiet when she wanted to. He lifted his head to look his older sister in the eye, reminded of everything they didn’t have in common. That was the thing about Liz she never seemed to have much in common with anyone, she was always an island by herself. For years she was their parents only child until it became apparent that a second child wasn’t going to be arriving soon not for their lack of trying so they turned to fostering and adopting. He vaguely remembered arriving at their house, three years old and holding on tightly to the social worker’s hand. He remembered Liz clear as day, five years old and hiding behind their father’s legs, he remembered how she used to ignore him until one night when she walked into his bedroom unannounced and began reading to him a book she had borrowed from the library. He was now pretty sure she was making most of the book up but at the time he loved it. She was his favourite person until CJ arrived almost two years later after that Liz seemed fine by herself even as two more brothers and two more sisters joined them. In a family of seven children naturally, they paired themselves up and Liz was left alone, the only one without a pair. Maybe it was because she was the only one who remembered what it was like to be alone, maybe it was because they never made an effort. Either way the minute she could leave she did, leaving for college in England as far away as she could go. Toby would never admit it out loud but part of him wondered why Liz was even here. As soon as he thought it, he admonished himself for even entertaining the idea.

‘You couldn’t bear it either?’ She asked nodding her head towards Sam’s room. 

‘Just needed some air.’ He replied as if that didn’t tell Liz everything she needed to know.

‘Mom’s hardly been in there.’ That surprised Toby and his surprise must have shown on his face as Liz continued. ‘I don’t think she can bear seeing him like that and she’s the doctor so if she can't bear it I don’t really know how we’re expected to bear it.’

‘It’s just so wrong.’ Toby said cursing his inadequacy to come up with better wording than ‘it’s so wrong’, Sam would know what to say but Sam can’t say anything he’s lying comatose in a bed twelve feet from them unaware of how he’s reduced them to this. Can it really have been less than twenty-four hours earlier that Toby was drunk and laughing on the floor of CJ’s dismal student apartment unaware that three-thousand miles away his younger brothers were dancing with death?

‘I just want this day to be over.’ Toby said once he’s collected his thoughts. ‘And then it can be a new day and not the day when my brothers almost died.’

Liz didn’t say anything but she unexpectedly took his hand in hers. She was still his big sister even if he did abandon her along the way.

‘I keep thinking about how scared they must have been.’ She whispered. ‘Especially Sam. I keep thinking how he’s still afraid of the dark. He’ll never admit it but he still sleeps with that old nightlight and if he’s afraid of something like the dark then he must have been so frightened and no one was there to hold his hand.’

‘I know.’ Toby said quietly, it’s all he’d been thinking about.

‘I used to cover his eyes during the scary parts of Robin Hood.’ She said fondly lost in childhood memories after the silences stretched on just a minute too long.

‘There aren’t scary parts of Robin Hood.’ 

‘I know.’ Toby glanced at Liz and saw the wry smirk on her face that faded as quickly as it appeared. 

‘When did you get here?’ He asked her.

‘Last night.’ She said and before Toby could ask her how exactly she managed to get to New Hampshire from London that quickly she added. ‘I was in New York.’

‘When did you get back from London?’ Toby asked, the unspoken and why didn’t you call hung in the air between them. Liz dropped his hand and stared down at her own.

‘Couple of months ago.’ She replied not meeting his eyes and Toby had to bite down on his tongue to prevent the anger that’s bubbling up inside him from bursting out. Now wasn’t the time for that.

‘You could have called.’ He said eventually unable to silence himself completely.

‘I know.’ She whispered.

‘Liz, you should have called.’

‘I know.’ She said louder now. ‘I know Toby you don’t need to…I was going to call. It was just easier not to.’

And that right there, as if Toby didn’t know exactly what she’s talking about. He almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, the Bartlet’s presenting an image of the perfect close family and yet here they were splintered into fragments. They sat in silence the methodical, monotonous beeping of various machines their only background noise.

‘We should probably go back downstairs.’ Liz said and Toby was glad for her interruption as the silence and noise together were becoming deafening.

‘How’s Josh?’ Toby asked as they stood and begin to make their way back to his room. Liz shrugged.

‘He’s… Josh. Trying to pretend he’s alright like we can’t tell when he’s in pain and when he’s not doing that he’s flirting with the nurses, then when he thinks we’re not looking he falls asleep.’ She hesitated before speaking again as if she’s afraid of what she might say. ‘He won’t talk about Sam.’

She posed it like a question and it stopped Toby in his tracks. He knew that Liz was asking him to decipher this particular Josh-ism to translate what’s going on in his head but the truth was Sam was the only one who could do that and he’s lying unconscious in another bed. 

‘That doesn’t sound like Josh.’ Toby said and Liz nodded, agreeing with him. ‘When Sam broke his wrist last summer the only thing Josh would talk about was how Sam was doing, if I thought he looked tired, if he was overworking himself, if I thought Josh needed to go home with him and help out.’ He trailed off lost in memories of when he thought the scariest phone call he’d ever received was Josh panicked and rambling about how Sam had come to visit him at Harvard swearing that he only took his eye off him for a second- like he was a toddler that needed minding.

‘He asked about him this morning and he hasn’t mentioned him since.’

‘I’ll talk to him.’ Toby promised and Liz nodded visibly relieved.

‘Thank you.’ She said and by that time they’ve reached Josh. They walked in and Toby watched his sister transform before him plastering a fake smile onto her face as she offered to take Ellie and Zoey home and give them some food. Toby kept his eyes on their mother as she gratefully accepted Liz’s offer, Liz bundled up their reluctant younger sisters into their thick winter coats and ushered them out of the door promising that they’ll be back later. Then they were gone and he could still hear Zoey protesting loudly that she wasn’t hungry and she’d much rather stay at the hospital her voice eventually petering out as they got further away. He turned his attention back to his mother and CJ, who were sat either side of Josh who was now asleep. He placed a hand on CJ’s shoulder who jumped at his touch.

‘You can go up and see Sam now.’ He said gently and she nodded, he could see now how tired she looked and his own exhaustion hit him like a ton of bricks. 

‘I’ll show you where it is.’ Abbey said as she stood.

‘I can do it.’ Toby began but she interrupted him.

‘No, I need to stretch my legs.’ She said and Toby tried not show how grateful he was that he wouldn’t have to go up there as he took her seat at Josh’s right side. His mother and CJ left and it was just him and Josh. He felt weird just watching Josh sleep but there wasn’t anything else to do. After a while, he could feel his blinking get slower and he let himself give in to the urge to just close his eyes for a second. He was asleep before he really knew what was happening.

*********

It was dark when Josh woke up. He blinked owlishly letting his eyes adjust to the dark glancing over at the clock on his bedside that read 6:38 pm in illuminated red digits, he shifted in his bed trying to get uncomfortable hissing as pain radiated through his body he reached for the morphine pump pressing it repeatedly until he felt the sweet numbness from the drug flood through him. There was a weight on his bed and when he looked down, he was surprised to see Toby slumped over in his chair his arm resting on the edge of Josh’s bed. He tried to reach over and wake him up but Toby was sleeping on his right side- his injured side and he couldn’t reach across to poke him. Luckily Toby began to stir before Josh could injure himself further.

‘You’re awake.’ He said yawning and stretching, Josh’s winced at the sound of Toby’s bones popping and crunching. He was sure bones shouldn’t make those noises especially when you’re only in your early twenties.

‘I’m awake.’ Josh affirmed and there was an awkward silence where neither of them knew what else to say.

‘Toby I’m sorry.’ He said finally and the speed at which Toby whipped his head round to fix him with an intense stare should have been comical if Josh wasn’t filled with as much self-loathing as he was at that moment.

‘What for?’ Toby asked in a growl.

‘It’s my fault,’ He began but before he could even get the words out Toby was interrupting him.

‘No! No, Josh, it was not your fault if it’s anyone’s fault it’s that drunk driver.’ He said vehemently.

‘I shouldn’t have been on that road I only took the back way because…’ He trailed off trying to remember why he took the back roads but frustratingly his memory failed him. ‘I shouldn’t have been on those roads I know how icy they can get.’

‘Josh. Stop blaming yourself, Sam wouldn’t blame you.’

‘We don’t know what Sam would do because he currently isn’t waking up!’ Josh said unaware of the way he was raising his voice and then he was exhausted again all the fight leaving him. ‘It’s my fault, Toby.’ And he might have been crying but he wasn’t sure and Toby was holding his hand and sleep was just so, so inviting. He struggled to keep his eyes open and focus on what Toby was saying but the sweet darkness of sleep was calling to him, he told himself he was just resting his eyes as he drifted away.

*********  
Toby was in the middle of explaining to Josh why it wasn’t his fault when he felt Josh’s hand go slack in his. He looked over and saw that Josh had drifted off into sleep once more. If things were different, he would wake him up to berate him for falling asleep whilst he was talking and Josh would probably tell him he can’t help it that Toby was just that boring. If things were different Sam would be here with them, telling Josh not to be mean, but things weren’t different.

‘Is he sleeping?’ Abbey asked from where she stood in the doorway. Toby turned at the sound of his mother’s voice and nodded as she came further into the room taking a seat at Josh’s other side. She reached for his hand and with her other hand stroked his hair tenderly. ‘I’ve told Liz not to bring the girls back in tonight.’ She added.

‘They won’t be happy about that.’ Toby remarked tracing the shape of the three freckles on Josh’s hand that he’d never noticed before.

‘No.’ Abbey agreed. ‘But it’s better this way, they need to rest, they don’t need to see this.’

‘They’ve already seen this.’ Toby said not wanting to add that what they’ve seen was going to haunt them for the rest of their lives. Abbey didn’t say anything. ‘Has Dad been with Sam the whole time?’ He asked when Abbey still wouldn’t say anything.

‘Yeah.’ She said quietly.

‘You should tell him to come see Josh at some point.’ Toby said and he knew it was unfair because Sam was teetering on the edge of death but Josh was here damn it and their father should remember he had two sons who were hit by a truck.

‘Toby.’ His mother’s voice was pleading with him to walk away from the argument for once in his life.

‘I’ll tell him then.’ 

‘Fine.’ Her voice was tiredly resigned and Toby felt guilty for adding to her worries.

‘And you should go see Sam at some point too.’ He added as he remembered Liz telling him how their mother avoided the PICU. She didn’t say anything and if Toby didn’t know her as he did, he might think she was ignoring him. The silence dragged on and Toby could feel the ever-present anger that simmered underneath the surface reaching boiling point once more. He paced the room trying to find an outlet for his anger when he noticed his and CJ’s bags still in the corner. He stopped pacing and walked over to them just staring as he noticed the sweater poking out of the top of CJ’s bag. CJ wasn’t a sweater person she never had been and although he didn’t mean to Toby opened the bag and pulled the sweater out. It was grey and emblazoned with the Harvard logo making it one of Josh’s, he must have left it at CJ’s the last time he was in California. He couldn’t remember CJ picking it up before they left but she must have seen it and thought Josh might want it. He wasn’t sure if it made him want to smile or cry.

‘Hey, Mom?’ He said and Abbey turned to him. ‘I’m going to go back to the house just to drop mine and CJ’s bags off and then I should probably call the office.’

‘Ok, honey.’ She said. ‘Do you need to borrow the car?’

‘No, we got a rental. Do you need anything from the house?’

‘I’ll make a list.’ He waited as she hastily wrote him a list of the things they needed and scanned over it reading it back before handing it to him.

‘I’ll be back later.’ He said and she stood walking over to him and giving him an unexpected hug. She pulled away cupping his cheek with her hand.

‘Drive safe.’ She said and her voice cracked with emotion. Drive safe, she’d been saying that to him ever since he got his license and he wanted to argue that it made no difference if he was driving safe if a drunk driver decided to hit his car. But he didn’t argue, he didn’t want to think that the last thing his mother probably said to Josh before the crash was drive safe so he just nodded and bid her goodbye. As soon as he was out of the hospital, he took a deep breath breathing in a lungful of cold night air that wasn’t vaguely tinged with antiseptic. The drive to the house was mercifully easy, hardly any other cars on the road. As he pulled up the driveway, he saw a solitary light on in the kitchen and through the window he could see Liz’s silhouette. He parked the car and walked up to the house placing his key in the lock and turning. He walked into the house making his way to the kitchen where Liz sat at the table her hands cupped around a steaming mug of tea. She startled when she saw him.

‘Where are the girls?’ He asked.

‘Asleep.’ She said. ‘Finally.’

‘I just came to drop my things off and collect some things for Mom and Dad.’ He said lamely as Liz nodded. They lapsed into awkward silence so Toby left quickly making his way upstairs and finding himself by his childhood bedroom. He pushed open the door and tossed his bag onto the floor without looking and then made his way onto CJ’s room. He was less careless with her bag placing it on her bed and then just as he was about to make his way back downstairs so he could call the office he found himself stopped outside Sam and Josh’s room. It was really just Sam’s room now that Josh was at college but it still proudly boasted the hand-drawn sign declaring it their room that they made when they were kids. It was old and faded now and peeling off the door at the edges. Toby reached out pressing the peeling edges of the sign against the door watching as they immediately peeled up again. He pushed open the door taking in the two twin beds on either side of the room, he could tell instantly which side was Josh’s; the bed was still unmade from the last time he slept in it and the floor surrounding the bed was covered in clothes. Sam’s side was much tidier, his bed neatly made and on the bedside table was an orderly collection of whatever books Sam was currently reading. Toby walked over to the books turning his head sideways so he could read the titles. He picked up the first book on the pile, Moby Dick, which Toby suspected Sam probably had to read for school. He opened it up flicking through the pages stopping every so often to look at the lines Sam had underlined and annotated. There was no bookmark so Toby couldn’t tell how far through the book Sam was but knowing Sam he’d probably already read it through a couple of times. He sat down on the bed still holding the book this time going back to the first page and reading through every annotation Sam had made chuckling to himself every now and then at the occasional sarcastic comments Sam had written. He stayed there eventually falling asleep waking when the sun came up shining through the open curtains and onto his face. Someone, Liz most likely, had thrown a blanket over him. He stretched massaging out the crick in his neck, he rummaged in his pocket for the list his mother gave him and quickly made his way around the house gathering up the items on it. When he made his way to the kitchen, still dressed in the clothes he had been wearing for the past two days, now rumpled from where he’d slept in them, fully intending to grab a piece of fruit and make his way to the hospital but he found Ellie and Zoey sat at the kitchen table as Liz served them the breakfast she’d just made. They persuaded him to sit and actually eat breakfast and since the last thing he ate was incredibly subpar airplane food it might as well have been the food of the gods. Once he’d eaten and felt slightly more human, he decided that a shower wouldn’t hurt. The shower woke him up and shocked him as he scrubbed the airplane and hospital stench from his skin. Once showered he picked out some clean clothes from his bag that he hadn’t slept in. He ended up driving to the hospital with Liz and the girls, and it was nice, it almost felt normal until he pulled up to the hospital parking lot. They walked into the hospital in silence, Toby gave the receptionist an awkward smile but she clearly remembered him from yesterday as she glared frostily at him. When they got to Josh’s room, Toby was happy to see him awake. He gave them a tired smile when he saw them and Toby had to hold Zoey back as she made a move to jump onto the bed. When he was satisfied, she wouldn’t assault Josh he let go and she clambered up onto the bed tucking herself into Josh’s good side like she did yesterday. Liz had brought flowers and set about putting them in the vase the nurse gave her. Ellie tugged at Toby’s sleeve and he looked down.

‘I want to see Sam.’ She said almost inaudibly.

‘Ok, well…’ Toby looked around hoping to see their mother or even their father someone who could take Ellie up to see Sam anyone but him. ‘Josh, is Mom around or Dad?’

‘No. Mom was here earlier but she went up to see Sam and I think Dad’s been there all night.’ He said and then yelped as Zoey poked him in his side.

‘Zoey, don’t poke Josh he’s in a lot of pain.’ Liz admonished sternly using her “big sister” voice that still sent shivers down Toby’s spine when he heard it despite the fact that he was twenty-three and Liz hadn’t used it on him in years.

‘He wasn’t paying attention.’ Zoey whined but promptly stopped her whining with one single look from Liz.

‘I’m going to take Ellie up to see Sam.’ Toby announced to the room and Liz nodded distractedly as she straightened out Josh’s bedcovers. As he left with Ellie Toby couldn’t help but smile at Josh’s indignant tone when Liz tried to feel his forehead for fever. As they walked Ellie slipped her hand into his which was nice, he couldn’t remember the last time Ellie held his hand. He imagined it was similar for Liz and maybe CJ too, they were all just so much older than the youngest of their siblings. He was ten years older than Ellie and fourteen years older than Zoey and they were both so young when the three oldest left for college. Especially now when he left it longer and longer between his visits home, he called regularly usually to speak to Sam who’d speak to him for an hour or so but he rarely spoke to his younger siblings. He wondered how Sam felt now it was just him and the girls, he knew Josh went home pretty regularly but still he wondered how much Sam missed them. They’d reached Sam’s room now and were greeted by their parents both looking like they didn’t sleep a wink last night, _they probably didn’t_ Toby thought, both sitting by Sam each holding tightly on to his hand. Ellie stopped suddenly in the doorway and Toby had to coax her past the threshold of the door.

‘Toby.’ Jed said standing to let Ellie sit in his chair, she sat up straight as a board as if she was afraid of moving. Toby placed the bag of things his mother requested beside her and she gave him a small nod of acknowledgement not taking her eyes off Sam.

‘How is he?’ Toby asked shoving his hands deep inside his pockets and nodding towards Sam.

‘No change.’ Jed said and there was a palpable sense of exhaustion and grief radiating off him in waves. ‘I’m going down to see Josh, care to join?’

‘I just saw him.’ Toby said shaking his head. ‘Where’s CJ?’

‘I sent her home.’ Abbey said hoarsely. ‘She needed to sleep.’

Jed left the room as Sam’s doctor entered the room. He frowned immediately when he saw all of them there.

‘It should only be two visitors at a time.’ He said his lips a thin line of disapproval. Toby instantly disliked him. Ellie and Abbey shuffled to the side so the doctor could move closer and perform his examinations. Toby watched as the doctor asked Sam various questions trying to get him to open his eyes or squeeze his hand. He kept his eyes on Sam, his heart in his throat as he watched anxiously for Sam to make any kind of movement, anything that let them know he was still in there. He almost turned away when the doctor began applying pressure to Sam’s nails in a bid to get him to respond to pain but he was glad he didn’t as Sam’s hand pulled back ever so slightly and his eyes flickered open slightly. They all moved closer to the bed then and Abbey stroked Sam’s hair soothingly.

‘That’s good Sam, you’re doing so well.’ She told him.

‘Really good, Sam. Can you do that again?’ The doctor asked releasing the pressure to see if Sam will do anything. But Sam remained immobile. The doctor noted something down on his chart before turning to them. ‘It’s better than nothing. He’s only been in a coma for forty-eight hours, so to be showing some response, even if it’s only provoked by pain, at this point is promising. If he was to wake up completely it was likely to be gradual so we’ll continue to assess him regularly.’ He left quickly after; Toby got the impression he didn’t much like people. Abbey got up and followed him muttering something about having questions. It was just Toby and Ellie now in the room with Sam listening to the rhythmic whirring and beeping of the various machine’s he was hooked up to. Toby focused his attention on studying those machines as Ellie began talking to Sam about her day.

‘He probably can’t hear you.’ Toby said, he didn’t want to be cynical but he couldn’t help himself hearing Ellie chatting to Sam as if he was about to sit up and start talking back.

‘You don’t know that.’ She said. ‘I read that it’s beneficial for them to hear familiar voices, it aids the healing process.’

‘Where did you read that?’

‘In one of Mom’s medical journals.’ She had the good grace to look slightly embarrassed but Toby was just mildly amused.

‘You probably shouldn’t be reading those.’ He said, it sounded like the right big brotherly thing to say even though he couldn’t care less whether or not Ellie read them but he figured their mother wouldn’t be too happy if she found out. Ellie shrugged.

‘Mom just leaves them lying around the house.’ She pointed out and Toby had to admit that if Abbey didn’t want people to read her medical journal’s she should probably not leave them lying where anyone could read them. ‘You should talk to Sam; I think he’d like hearing from you.’ She added matter-of-factly as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Toby sat down tentatively taking Sam’s hand. He cleared his throat awkwardly when he suddenly remembered the bag containing the various items his mother requested, at his feet among them was Sam’s copy of Moby Dick. He reached down and pulled the book out of the bag, settling back into his chair. This he could do.

‘I figured you might be missing reading.’ He said still feeling slightly awkward to be addressing Sam’s unconscious body but nevertheless he persisted through his own awkwardness. He opened the book, turning to the first page, and began to read. ‘ “Call me Ishmael. Some years-never mind how long precisely-having little or no money…” ’ 

********  
Abbey Bartlet was a strong woman. That was what they called her. Strong, good in a crisis, unflappable, dependable… All words and phrases used to describe her over her life and it was true, she had been those things. But now, now was different. She used to split her life into two parts, before-children and after-children, or sometimes before-Jed and after-Jed, now it was before-the-crash and after-the-crash. The split-second her life changed forever was the moment the hospital called informing her that two of her sons had been in an accident. She remembered feeling numb, numb to pain, numb to fear, numb to everything. She had switched into doctor mode almost immediately trying to shut out the mother inside of her that was screaming, it was no use to anyone if she gave into that but she couldn’t help it. The moment she had seen Josh after he had come out of surgery her resolve had begun to crumble and then later when Sam was out of surgery. Seeing him as he was, with a thousand statistics about coma recovery running through her head, she crumbled completely and the doctor in her shut down replaced by the grieving mother. She couldn’t do both. She tried but it was breaking her. After an intense discussion with Dr Murphy about Sam’s prognosis, where she allowed herself to be Dr Bartlet just for a second, she took a minute to herself in the hospital’s chapel. She sat in the pew alone her hands clasped in prayer as she prayed desperately unable to stop the tears from falling.

‘Mom?’ Liz walked into the chapel and Abbey hastily wiped her eyes.

‘Yes, sweetheart?’ 

‘I’ve been looking for you.’

‘Oh, have you? Sorry, honey I was just praying.’ Liz took the seat next to Abbey.

‘How’s Sam?’ She asked.

‘He moved his hand.’ Abbey said keeping her voice bright.

‘Really?’ Liz gasped, her hands flying to her mouth as she blinked away the tears that were rapidly forming in her eyes.

‘Only once and it was a response to pain so not spontaneous movement but it’s definitely better than nothing.’ 

‘Mom, are you alright?’ Liz asked and Abbey knew her daughter had picked up on her falsely optimistic façade.

‘I just can’t stop thinking about what’s going to happen when he wakes up, we have no idea what kind of brain damage he might have.’

‘Maybe we should just take it one step at a time.’ Liz suggested tentatively and Abbey didn’t have the capacity to argue back, to point out that the problem wasn’t taking it one step at a time it was that she knew what each step was and what they might find there.

‘One step at a time.’ She agreed.

‘Josh wants to see him.’ Liz said. ‘The doctors won’t let him.’

‘I’m guessing he didn’t like that.’

‘I believe Zoey’s helping him plan his escape as we speak.’ Abbey smiled at that; despite not being blood-related in any way Zoey had definitely inherited Josh’s mischievous streak.

‘He won’t get far, not with that leg.’ Abbey remarked.

‘I’m pretty sure I heard something about stealing a wheelchair.’

‘Zoey’s sneaky I’m sure she’d manage it somehow. Did I tell you she stowed away in Sam’s car when he was driving up to Harvard this summer?’

‘No?’

‘He didn’t notice until they got to Nashua and she popped up from the back seat, nearly gave him a heart attack. Your father had to drive up and meet them to take Zoey home again, she was not happy.’ Abbey smiled at the memory as Liz laughed.

‘God, kids these days. I swear Toby and I didn’t get away with half the crap Zoey pulls or that Sam and Josh pulled for that matter.’

‘You and Toby never pulled any _crap_ , aside from the occasional late-night excursion to a party or two. I never felt like I had to worry about you or Toby or CJ for that matter. You were all so self-sufficient.’

‘We were self-sufficient because you never worried about us.’ Abbey didn’t know what to say to that and Liz seemed to know that as she hastily added. ‘I’m not blaming you or anything, I mean sometimes I do- blame you I mean- but I get it. I think. You had seven kids and some of them needed more attention than others, I mean I certainly never worry about Toby or CJ I always trusted that they wouldn’t do anything stupid.’

‘I probably should’ve paid more attention to you.’ Abbey mused. ‘I should have been able to keep an eye on all of you.’

‘ “They fuck you up your mom and dad. They may not mean to but they do.” ’ 

‘Elizabeth!’

‘It's a quote! It’s from ‘This be the verse’ by Phillip Larkin. It’s a poem about how your parents will inevitably ‘fuck you up’ because that’s what their parents did to them. By all accounts you and Dad have been the best parents but you’re going to come up short sometimes because you’re only human and because your parents came up short too. I’ll inevitably mess up my kids somehow and they’ll mess up too and so on. No one’s perfect but honestly, you and Dad came pretty damn close.’

‘That’s very sweet, Liz but your father and I are from perfect and I could have done a lot more to be a better mother.’

‘Well, what’s done is done. No point going over every tiny thing you could have done differently, you can speculate about whether worrying about me would have stopped me from going to England or if you’d spoken to Toby more maybe he wouldn’t be so sad and angry all the time. Maybe we were always going to turn out this way, who knows, but right now I do know that the only thing stopping Josh from charging up to Sam’s room is the external fixator on his leg and the quite frankly extremely intimidating nurse who informed him in no uncertain terms of what she would do to him if he tried to leave, and I’m not Josh but if I were, I would be fearing for my life.’ Liz said all in one quick burst and despite everything, Abbey found herself laughing.

‘We should probably go and save him then.’ Abbey said as she stood up wiping her eyes one last time for any tears that still remained.

‘Actually, I’d like to go up and see Sam. I’ve spent all morning and most of yesterday with Josh, I think I’m due some time with Sam.’ Liz said.

‘Alright, sweetheart. Ask Ellie to come and see Josh if she’s still up there, would you?’

‘Sure thing.’ Liz said as she left and Abbey made her way to Josh’s room. As she entered, she was greeted with the sight of Josh explaining passionately the finer merits of skee ball to the nurse taking his temperature.

‘Hi, honey.’ Abbey said announcing herself to the room as she entered. She saw that Zoey had been relegated to the chair next to Josh’s bed (something she didn’t look too happy about). Jed sat in the other chair with an expression that was half-amusement and half-exhaustion when he saw her, he motioned for Zoey to sit in his lap so that Abbey could take her chair. Josh stopped mid-flow turning his attention to her.

‘How is he?’ He asked fervently.

‘He moved his hand and opened his eyes, just for a second.’ Abbey said unable this time to keep the smile off her face as Josh whooped loudly and Zoey squealed. It was easy to let herself be swept up in their optimism unlike when she was with Liz, whose serious nature fed into Abbey’s own serious, doctor side. With Josh and Zoey, their child-like glee was infectious and Abbey watched as Jed closed his eyes in relief and muttered a small prayer. ‘It was in only response to pain so he still has a long way to go but it is much better than nothing.’ She continued, ever pragmatic, ever the one to bring everyone else down to earth. That was Abbey’s role in her partnership with Jed, he shot for the stars and she pulled them back down, an ever-moving ebb and flow of idealism and pragmaticism.

‘Can I see him?’ Josh asked eagerly.

‘No.’ Abbey said firmly.

‘Mom…’ Josh wheedled.

‘Fine, if you can get out of that bed and walk up to Sam’s room then you can see him.’ She saw him consider it for a second before realizing it was futile and settled for a poor attempt at a pout.

‘Is Toby with him?’ He asked.

‘Yes.’

‘Ok.’ Josh nodded appeased somewhat. ‘CJ there too?’

‘I sent CJ home. She hadn’t slept since she and Toby left California, the least I could do was encourage her to catch up on some rest. Liz is with Sam right now and Ellie should be joining us soon.’ Right on cue, Ellie shuffled in, coming to stand next to Abbey and nestling into her side. Abbey welcomed this hug from her, most of her children usually showed a preference for their father but Ellie had always been her little shadow.

‘You okay sweetheart?’ She asked and Ellie nodded. ‘Is Toby still up there?’

‘Yeah, he’s reading to Sam.’ She said quietly and Abbey’s heart gave a small pang as she was reminded of memories of Toby reading Sam’s bedtime story every night without fail when he was younger. She turned her attention back to Josh and she saw some of his bravado fade replaced by exhaustion. She reached out to take his hand. ‘Do you need to sleep, honey?’

‘I’m fine.’ He blinked rapidly trying to sit up straighter.

‘We can go and get some lunch if you’d rather rest.’ She saw him prepare to argue back and then, like a balloon deflating, all the fight went out of him and he simply nodded. Abbey rubbed the back of his hand comfortingly as she stood and ushered the rest of the family out of the room. Zoey looked like she might kick up a fuss but one look from Abbey and she went willingly. Together they made their way to the hospital canteen.

*****  
All of her other siblings seemed to come in neat little pairs; CJ and Toby, Sam and Josh, Ellie and Zoey. She was probably closest with CJ who at least somewhat could understand what it was like to be alone in their family as with the neat little pairs came the neat trio of the three boys and CJ was just that bit too old to make a neat trio with Ellie and Zoey and Liz was definitely far too old. Yet they weren’t close enough in age to grow up as a pair the way everyone else had, she was four years older than CJ, they weren’t in any of the same classes they didn’t even attend high school at the same time, they didn’t have a similar circle of friends and they definitely never got invited to the same sleepovers. These were all potential requirements for forming a sibling pair Liz decided, even though Ellie and Zoey don’t meet any of these requirements- their age gap was just as big as the one between Liz and CJ- _but,_ Liz reasoned to herself, _you have to form a pair when you’re the two youngest its basic survival skills._ She wondered, like Toby before her, how Sam felt now that the four oldest had left home, had he become closer to Ellie and Zoey since then? Although then again judging by the way Zoey attached herself to Josh’s side nothing had changed much. 

When she arrived at Sam’s room, she had found Toby sat by his side reading from Moby Dick whilst Ellie sat stiff as a board on Sam’s other side, her fingers laced in his, listening attentively. It was a touching scene despite the circumstances and Liz was reluctant to disturb it nevertheless she entered anyway and Toby abruptly stopped reading as Liz tapped Ellie on the shoulder relaying their mother’s message to her. Ellie didn’t seem best pleased that she had to leave Sam but she was nothing if not obedient and dutifully gave up her seat to Liz.

‘You’re sure you know the way back?’ Liz asked anxiously.

‘Yes.’ Ellie said rolling her eyes and usually Liz would have snapped at her for being rude but she let it go today. There were bigger things to be worrying about. Like Toby’s silence.

‘You don’t have to stop on my account.’ She said when Toby still hadn’t resumed his reading.

‘I didn’t.’ He said.

‘Because I don’t mind, I actually quite enjoyed Moby Dick at school.’

‘I figured Sam’s probably heard enough Moby Dick for one day.’

‘I can leave if you’d prefer.’

‘Liz! Just drop it okay?’

‘Okay.’ They returned to silence, the now almost comforting whirr of the machines keeping Sam alive their only background noise. It was definitely a comforting noise, Liz decided, if the machines were on it meant Sam was alive and that was a thought that was more comforting than anything she’d heard in years. Of course, she reasoned, it would be much more comforting if their background noise was Sam’s voice but God didn’t seem to be too willing to hand out that many miracles these days.

‘Are you going back to work tomorrow?’ She asked Toby.

‘No.’

‘Does work know that?’

‘No.’

‘Don’t you think you should tell them?’

‘No.’

‘Toby!’ Liz exclaimed.

‘Liz, you don’t need to micro-manage my life. I’m a big boy I can handle my own problems.’ Toby said supposedly calmly but Liz was no stranger to Toby’s quiet rage and general grumpiness that lay underneath his tone.

‘I’m not micromanaging your life Toby.’ Liz sighed. ‘I’m just trying to help and Mom and Dad don’t have to deal with your problems on top of everything else.’

‘You think I’d drag Mom and Dad into my problems?’

‘No, that’s not what I meant.’

‘Sounded like that’s what you meant.’

‘Toby…’ Liz sighed again rubbing her hands over her face, scratching at her tired skin. Toby gave a small sigh too.

‘I’ll call the office later.’ He conceded and Liz felt suitably placated.

‘I might go in to work tomorrow.’ She admitted as much to herself as to Toby.

‘Why?’

‘What else am I going to do? Sit around the hospital all day, doing nothing but watch Sam stay unconscious and watch Josh wear himself out trying to stay awake for everyone? At least if I’m at work I’m doing something. Besides it’s only New York I can drive back in four hours if need be or even fly back, the flight only takes an hour.’

‘So, you’re skipping out on us again.’

‘Toby, it’s not like that. We can’t all give up our lives just to sit around a hospital all day doing nothing.’

‘We’re not doing nothing.’

‘Toby…’

‘We’re not doing nothing! This is a time when we need to pull together as a family and put aside our own needs and desires, this is not the time for you to run away like you always do just because you can’t stomach it. This is important and if it were you or me in hospital you know Sam and Josh wouldn’t hesitate to drop everything to be with us.’

‘I did drop everything, Toby! But I have to pick it up again at some point.’

‘Give it a few more days, Liz. Just a couple more days, at least until Sam wakes up.’

‘That could be months Toby!’

‘Or it could be days. How do you think Sam will feel? When he wakes up in a couple of days to find his entire family at his bedside minus his sister who couldn’t be bothered to wait a few more days to see if he would wake up.’ He raised his voice towards the end eerily reminiscent of their father on the rare occasions that he raised his voice. Despite the yelling Liz had to admit that Toby made a good point, a little guilt-trippy it must be said but definitely persuasive. 

‘I’ll stay until Wednesday.’ She said quietly trying not to show that she was pissed off that Toby had managed to change her mind. The one thing Liz had always prided herself on was being sure of her own mind, something she had inherited from her father, and yet Toby had a knack for always managing to change her mind when no one else could (something she had noticed he could also do with their father).

‘Okay.’ Toby said just as quietly and they were back to sitting in silence again.

‘You can keep reading to him if you want.’ Liz said after some time had passed.

‘Why don’t you?’ Toby countered and then to her own surprise, Liz held her hand out for the book and Toby, looking equally surprised, handed the book to her. Liz opened it and, trying to ignore how odd it felt, began reading.

******  
The days began to drag by for Josh and each day was just another day he wasn’t allowed to see Sam. He got updates from his family, ‘Sam moved his hand when asked’, ‘he opened his eyes’, ‘they took him off the ventilator’, ‘he spoke!’, and so on but still they wouldn’t let him see Sam. Josh himself had to go back to surgery so that the external fixator on his leg could be removed to be replaced by an internal fixator, which meant he was back in the post-surgery haze again but once he was lucid he asked to see Sam. Again, he was told no. At some point it was Zoey’s ninth birthday, they had a small party in Josh’s room and Zoey spent the whole time talking about how Sam had stayed awake long enough to wish her a happy birthday. Josh tried not to feel jealous of her that she had gotten to see Sam, that Sam had _spoken_ to her but it was hard not to. One week after the crash however he was discharged, he tried to listen whilst his doctor explained how he was to spend his time recovering but he was distracted by thoughts of finally being able to see Sam. Once he was officially discharged and had changed out of the hospital gown into his own clothes, he immediately made Toby push his wheelchair up to see Sam. He didn’t know what to expect when they got to Sam’s room. They’d moved him from the ICU into the neuro ward, he knew from what his family had told him that Sam had no memory of the crash or anything from a month before and that the injury to his brain had affected his movement. Sam would need extensive physical therapy to regain some control over his movement but Jed had informed Josh that Sam was determined to regain all of it. Josh had no doubt that Sam would approach physical therapy with the same determination and confidence with which he approached most things in life. Nevertheless, despite knowing all of that, Josh couldn’t help the gasp that escaped when he saw Sam. He was aware that Sam had probably looked worse when he was in the ICU but still, he didn’t look great and guilt consumed Josh. Sam gave a weak smile when he saw Josh.

‘Josh.’ He said his hand making a jerking movement from where it lay on the bed, Toby wheeled Josh closer to the bed.

‘He’s trying to hold your hand.’ Toby said quietly in his ear as Josh just stared at Sam’s jerking hand. He snapped out of his reverie and grabbed hold of Sam’s hand tightly, he could feel Sam trying to hold on just as tightly.

‘We were in an accident?’ Sam said but it came out as a question rather than a statement. He said it the same way he used to read facts from encyclopedias out loud to Josh, like a fact someone else had told him but he still needed Josh to confirm its truth.

‘Yeah, Sammy we were.’ Josh said.

‘You okay?’ Sam asked anxiously.

‘I’m fine, Sammy you’re the one in hospital. You really gave us all a scare there.’ Josh tried to keep his tone light but he couldn’t help the fear he had felt over the past week creep in.

‘Leg?’ 

‘What?’

‘Your leg?’

‘Oh, it’ll be Sam just a fracture.’

‘Good.’ Sam nodded closing his eyes clearly exhausted and Josh felt Sam’s already weak grip on his hand weaken more until he fell asleep. Toby got up from the chair he was sat in.

‘We should go.’ He said as he wheeled Josh out of the room. Still in shock at what Sam had been like Josh let him.

‘You didn’t say he was like that.’ Josh said dumbfounded

‘Like what?’

‘Like that! Toby, he can barely form sentences.’

‘It’s temporary.’ Toby said. ‘It’s not that he can’t form sentences, it’s more that he can barely stay awake long enough to form one and you caught him in good moment most of the time he’s awake it’s just a lot of shouting and swearing. Trust me, what you just saw was an improvement, you should have seen him when he first woke up.’

‘Yeah, well I didn’t see him when he first woke up.’ Josh snapped. Toby didn’t say anything he just kept wheeling Josh out of the hospital stopping when they reached the car. His parents stood next to the car, both anxiously studying him. His mother rushed to his side immediately helping him to stand, with Abbey on one side and Toby on the other they managed to get him into the car. Josh didn’t want to show it but just moving from the wheelchair to the car had tired him out. He took a second to close his eyes as his parents got into the car. He gazed out of the window watching Toby get into Liz’s car, Ellie and Zoey sat in the back of the car and CJ was staying with Sam. He’d talked a big game about wanting to get out of the hospital but now that he was in the car he felt vulnerable, defenceless almost, it was easier to pretend you weren’t afraid when you were sat in a hospital bed with nurses and doctors only a stone’s throw away. But now in the car without any of that, he felt like a wounded animal left in the wild abandoned by the pack. In a strange way he also felt like he was abandoning Sam, even though he’d only been to see him once he still felt like they were leaving him to fend for himself. He tried to make himself comfortable, staring doggedly out of the window. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his mother watching him through the rear-view mirror in case he freaked out. Belatedly he realized it was the first time he had been in a car since the crash but it was too late to dwell on that prospect as the car began to move. For a brief second, unadulterated fear seized Josh paralyzing him and he forced himself to relax somewhat. He managed to calm his racing heart just enough that the journey home wasn’t too unpleasant nevertheless he was glad when they pulled up the drive. As soon as his father stopped the car, Josh swung open the door breathing in lungfuls of fresh New Hampshire air desperate to rid himself of the smell of the car that was taking him back to that night…

‘Josh.’ Toby was at his side, offering him his arm, bringing Josh out of the swirling confusion of his broken memories. Josh blinked as Toby’s face came into view before taking his arm gratefully. He leaned heavily on Toby as his father retrieved the wheelchair the hospital had given them from the trunk of the car. Much as Josh would have liked to try and walk using the crutches his broken collarbone meant he wouldn’t be able to use them for some time. Toby helped him to lower himself gently into the chair and then pushed him inside the house. It looked no different to the last time he had been there, a tad messier perhaps probably because they had been spending most of their time at the hospital. The door to his father’s study was open and through it, Josh could see that a bed had been made up.

‘We made up a bed for you in my study so you wouldn’t have to use the stairs.’ Jed said coming to stand by Josh.

‘Thanks.’ Josh said quietly suddenly overwhelmed by the attention. The house felt unnaturally quiet after the constant undercurrent of noise he had grown used to at the hospital. ‘I think I might go to bed actually.’

‘Of course, of course.’ His father said quickly. ‘Toby?’

Toby’s at his side in an instant to wheel him towards the study. He helps Josh out of the wheelchair and into the bed fussing with the pillows like a mother hen. Once he’s satisfied with them he lingers at the doorway.

‘Toby?’ Josh said when it was clear that Toby wasn’t leaving any time soon.

‘Hmm?’

‘You need something?’

‘No.’

‘You gonna let me sleep?’

‘Huh? Oh, right yeah.’ He paused at the door and turned back to Josh. ‘I’m really glad you’re alright and I want you to know that I don’t blame you for any of it.’

‘Thanks Toby.’ Josh said not sure what else to say, he wanted to crack a joke so that Toby could roll his eyes and sigh one of his long-suffering sighs but he couldn’t think of any so he settled for an awkward smile. Toby gave him an equally awkward smile, closing the door softly behind him. Finally, Josh was alone again. The pain meds he’d taken just before getting in the car were beginning to kick in and slowly, he drifted off to sleep.

******  
‘Josh, honey, you have a visitor.’ Josh awoke to his mother’s voice and as he slowly blinked his eyes open her face came into view as she poked her head through the study door. She opened the door further to reveal a small, blonde figure.

‘Donna.’ Josh said in surprise scrambling to sit up yelping as he belatedly remembered his injuries. His mother rushed to his side propping up his pillows for a more comfortable position. ‘I’m fine, Mom.’ He muttered as she continued fussing with the pillows.

‘I’ll leave you two alone now.’ His mother said giving him a pointed look that said ‘we’ll talk about this later’. ‘Shout if you need anything.’

‘Thank you, Mrs Bartlet.’ Donna said politely and Abbey left.

‘What are you doing here?’ Josh asked as Donna sat on the chair by his makeshift bed chewing her lip nervously. ‘Shouldn’t you be in Wisconsin?’

‘I was.’ She said twisting her hands anxiously. ‘And then I called the number you gave me and your sister, Liz, answered and she said you’d been in an accident. So, I got in my car and drove here to see you.’

‘You drove from Wisconsin?’

‘I did say I wouldn’t stop for red lights if you got in an accident.’ She gave a funny little half-laugh, half-sob her hands flying to her mouth as her voice broke with emotion.

‘Donna…’ Josh said softly reaching out his hand which she gratefully grasped as her eyes filled with tears. ‘You really drove all the way here?’ She nodded as if she still didn’t trust herself not to speak without crying.

‘I was so worried about you.’ She whispered as tears began to fall.

‘Donna, hey don’t cry, I’m fine. Look at me, seriously, I’m going to be fine.’ Josh said trying to reassure her.

‘How-How’s your brother?’ She asked wiping at her eyes, making a show of pulling herself together.

‘He’s still in hospital but he isn’t in the ICU anymore which is good but he was in a coma.’

‘Oh, Josh, that must have been so scary for you. I know how close you two are. I kind of feel like I know him myself, you talk about him so much.’

‘Yeah, well, he’s the only little brother I’ve got.’ Josh said awkwardly not sure why he felt the need to justify his close bond with Sam to Donna of all people. ‘People used to think we were twins.’

‘Really?’

‘Un-identical of course but they did used to think that.’

‘I wish I actually knew him.’

‘Me too. You two would get on.’

‘You think so?’

‘Oh, I know so. You’re both giant nerds.’

‘Joshua!’ Donna cried indignantly letting go of his hand to give him a light smack on the arm.

‘Hey!’ 

‘Did I hurt you?’ Donna asked instantly concerned pulling her chair closer to the bed.

‘No, but you could have. You’re not meant to hit injured people, you know.’ Josh said pouting to see if he would get some sympathy from Donna but she just rolled her eyes. 

‘I thought you said you were fine.’ Donna said raising her eyebrows amusedly.

‘That’s… not the point.’

‘What is the point?’

‘…That you shouldn’t hit injured people.’

‘I barely even grazed you.’ Josh couldn’t help it, he laughed and Donna grinned at him.

‘What are you going to do? About staying somewhere, I mean?’ Josh asked as the thought suddenly struck him that Donna likely didn’t have anywhere to stay. 

‘Oh… I don’t know. I suppose I didn’t think that far.’

‘So when you said you just got in your car and drove you meant that literally?’

‘Yeah, told my mom I was going to visit a friend and that I’d be home in a couple of days.’ She said sheepishly. ‘I should probably call her actually; can I use your phone?’ 

‘Uh, yeah. Hang on a second.’ Josh said taking a deep breath before yelling. ‘Mom!’

The door swung open and Abbey stood in the doorway, like she’d been waiting outside.

‘Yes?’

‘Can you take Donna to the phone so she can call her mom? Oh, and can she stay with us until she goes home?’

‘Josh!’ Donna hissed.

‘I’ll show you to the phone, Donna.’ Donna stood and followed Abbey out of the room. Abbey came back in whilst Donna was on the phone and sat in her recently vacated chair.

‘So, you’ve never mentioned Donna before.’

‘Really? I’m sure I have.’

‘No, I would definitely remember you mentioning her.’ His mother said pointedly.

‘Mom, she’s just a friend.’

‘Then why have you never mentioned her before?’

‘I-I don’t know. I honestly thought I had.’ Josh sighed.

‘How did you meet?’ Abbey said after she was quiet for a second and Josh was glad of the change in tone of her questioning.

‘We were in the same poli-sci class. It was so funny because it was all guys and then Donna, this tiny blonde girl from Wisconsin, and you could tell the guys thought she didn’t stand a chance, myself included. But when it came to discussing and debating ideas Donna just tore us to shreds and it wasn’t like she intended to either she would just ask question after question picking apart our arguments purely because she wanted to learn and understand our positions. It was so funny to watch guys like Claypool get so mad that she was finding flaws in their arguments. After that class we got talking and then she decided that we would be friends, so we were.’

‘She seems nice.’

‘She is.’

‘Are you sure there’s nothing going on?’

‘Mom…’ Josh groaned.

‘Josh…’ She said mimicking his tone. ‘She drove from Wisconsin just to see if you were ok.’

‘Are friends not allowed to check on each other anymore?’

‘That’s not what I meant. She could have just phoned and to drive all that way just to check on you- and just before Christmas as well- it’s a lot to do for someone who’s just a friend.’

‘We have this… thing… she said she wouldn’t stop for red lights…’ Josh muttered almost to himself trailing off but his mother still heard him.

‘What are you talking about, Josh?’

‘It’s nothing, really… Donna had this boyfriend from back home, a real douchebag. He was a senior doing pre-med, wanted her to drop out and get a job once he started med school so he could focus on his studies, anyway Donna got in a car accident last winter it was pretty minor she only sprained her ankle and when she was waiting for him to pick her up from the hospital he decided instead to stop and meet his friends for a drink first. She broke up with him after that and when she told me, I said if it had been me, I wouldn’t have stopped for beer and she said that if I was in an accident she wouldn’t stop for red lights. Like I said, it’s nothing, just a joke we have.’ Josh said in a rush. He sensed there was more his mother wanted to say but mercifully Donna chose that moment to walk back in.

‘My mom is not pleased with me.’ She announced. ‘Apparently, when I said I was going to Manchester she thought I meant the Manchester that’s in Wisconsin, I had to listen to her yell at me for the whole phone call. Sorry if I racked up your phone bill, she just would not stop yelling.’ 

‘Don’t worry about it.’ Abbey said waving a hand and offering up her seat to Donna. ‘And if you want to stay here for the night, you’re more than welcome to.’

‘Thank you.’ Donna said gratefully as she sat. ‘That would be perfect.’

‘Ok then.’ Abbey smiled at her and then left them alone once more.

‘Was your mom really mad?’ Josh asked wincing slightly, he’d only had the pleasure of meeting Mrs Moss once but that was one time too many. Donna rolled her eyes and shrugged.

‘Yeah, but she’ll be fine in a few days.’

‘You know you really didn’t have to drive here; you could’ve just called.’

‘I did call!’

‘I know, I mean you could have called again once I was home you didn’t have to drive all this way.’

‘But… I wanted to?’ Donna said sounding unsure and blinking her big, blue eyes at Josh all innocence and confusion.

‘I know I just meant… forget it, I’m glad you’re here.’

‘Okay?’ Donna said like she was asking a question.

‘Okay.’ 

‘So, we’re good?’

‘Yeah, Donna we’re good.’ Josh said wearily.

‘It just doesn’t seem like we’re good.’

‘We are, Donna, I’m just being… I don’t know my mom was just saying some stuff and it got in my head.’

‘What was she saying?’

‘She thought there might be something going on between us.’ He said rolling his eyes, watching Donna carefully hoping that she would do the same but she just stared back at him all big blue eyes and innocent expression. Unable to take her knowing look any longer he hurriedly added. ‘Don’t worry I set her straight.’ 

‘Well, that’s good then.’ Donna said brightly but Josh didn’t miss the way her voice caught slightly on the words. ‘I told my parents about Richard.’ She added.

‘Oh? How did it go?’ Josh asked grateful for the subject change, he knew Donna had been dreading telling her parents that she had broken up with Richard. Donna wrinkled her nose and turned her mouth down.

‘It didn’t go well. My mom is heartbroken, you’d think she was the one who’d gone through a break up the way she reacted.’

‘But, I mean, you told her about the stopping for beer while you were in hospital?’

‘Yeah but she kept saying ‘he’s going to be a doctor, Donna, you need to accept that he won’t always be there to physically support you’. She thinks my standards are too high.’

‘Who’d have thought wanting someone who isn’t going to stop for beer when you’re in an accident was too high a standard?’ Josh remarked dryly and to his relief Donna laughed, the sound warm and bright to his ears.

‘I know, right? She still wants me to marry my high school boyfriend and move back home to pop out four daughters like she did. It got worse though because my sister got engaged. All weekend she kept asking to see the ring and then she’d shake her head and look in my direction like I’ve squandered all chance of ever getting married.’

‘That’s ridiculous.’ Josh said wincing as he became more aware of the pain in his leg. ‘What time is it?’

‘Almost five, why?’

‘I think it’s time for my medication.’ He said focusing on taking deep breaths as Donna jumped up eager to help.

‘Where is it?’

‘On the desk.’ Josh said pointing over to his father’s mahogany desk. Donna walked over picking up the vial of antibiotics and the packets of Tylenol and Advil. She handed them to him and Josh gratefully took them sinking back into his pillows as he waited for the painkillers to kick in. Donna wandered back over to the desk examining the framed photographs that adorned it. She picked up one to take a closer look.

‘Is this you?’ She asked holding it out for Josh to take a look. The photo in question was of Josh and Sam circa summer ’82 at the family lake house their arms slung around each other. Sam sporting the biggest, cheesiest grin he could and Josh, who had recently acquired braces, had a more self-conscious but equally cheesy grin.

‘Yeah, that’s me and Sam, like seven years ago maybe?’ Josh said and Donna smiled.

‘Cute. I never knew you had braces.’ She said placing the photo back where she found it.

‘Yeah, three years, and a retainer.’

‘That’s adorable.’

‘Donna, I’m a grown man, I’m not adorable.’ Josh protested.

‘Well you were adorable with your little braces.’ She said as she picked various photos and placing them back down after she’d looked at them. She returned to her chair as Josh continued to wait for the painkillers to kick in. She held out her hand and Josh took it gratefully holding onto it tightly like an anchor until finally the pain began to melt away replaced by a dull ache that he could deal with. He let go of Donna’s hand with an apologetic look when he became aware of how tightly he was squeezing it; she pulled her hand back discreetly flexing and rubbing it. As the painkillers set in Josh found his eyelids drooping as he fought against the tiredness setting in.

‘Do you need to sleep?’ Donna asked looking at him with concern.

‘Maybe. But what will you do?’ He said through a yawn.

‘Don’t worry.’ She said reaching into her bag and pulling out a book. ‘I came prepared.’

‘Nerd.’ Josh said softly as he smiled, letting his eyes finally close as he drifted off to sleep.

*******

Abbey carefully pushed open the door to the study, not wanting to disturb Josh and Donna, and peeked in. She saw Josh sprawled out on the bed, the steady rise and fall of his chest indicating he was asleep, whilst Donna lounged in her chair, her feet propped up on the bed, reading a book. She lifted her head when Abbey opened the door and beamed at her. 

‘He fell asleep about half an hour ago.’ She whispered placing a bright pink bookmark in her book. Unable to help herself Abbey wandered over to the bed and gently stroked Josh’s hair, he shifted slightly in his sleep but was otherwise undisturbed.

‘He looks so much younger when he’s asleep, don’t you think?’ Donna whispered with such tenderness that Abbey did a double-take.

‘Yes, he does.’ She agreed biting her tongue to hold back the questions that threatened to be released. ‘Why don’t you come through to the kitchen? I can fix you something to eat.’ She suggested.

‘Oh, I’m fine here.’ Donna said brightly.

‘He usually sleeps for quite a while.’ Abbey said in what she hoped was a gentle but thinly-veiled command for Donna to come with her. Donna seemed like a smart girl however as she nodded in understanding and stood to follow Abbey out of the room. Abbey led her into the kitchen where CJ was getting herself a glass of water.

‘I didn’t hear you come in, darling.’ Abbey remarked to CJ.

‘I only just got home, Dad told me to tell you that he and Toby have gone to see Sam.’ CJ replied.

‘Oh, okay. Thank you for telling me.’ Abbey said. ‘CJ, this is Donna, she’s a friend of Josh’s from college and she came to visit him.’ She added, introducing the two young women.

‘Oh, so _you’re_ Donna.’ CJ said in understanding. ‘Josh talks about you all the time.’

‘He does?’ Abbey and Donna said at the same time.

‘All good, I hope?’ Donna added and Abbey tried not to feel jealous of CJ, who Josh had seemingly confided in.

‘ _All_ good.’ CJ said with a grin.

‘Are your sisters around CJ?’ Abbey asked as she opened the cupboards to see what food they had, now that Josh was home, she figured they should try and return to some kind of normality but over a week of eating in hospital canteens showed in the bare cupboards.

‘I think Zoey’s playing out in the yard and Ellie might be in her room. I haven’t seen Liz around but I’m sure she’s somewhere.’

‘Do you mind calling Zoey in? I don’t really want her outside when it’s dark.’

‘Sure.’ CJ nodded and left, now it was just Abbey and Donna. Donna sat down at the kitchen table, picking at a hangnail and Abbey surveyed her carefully torn between wanting to get to know this girl who had seemingly captured Josh’s heart (even if he didn’t know it) and not wanting to appear overbearing. She sat down at the table also and settled for what she felt were minimally invasive questions.

‘Do you have siblings, Donna?’

‘Yeah, three sisters.’

‘Ah, you know I’m one of four girls myself.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, actually if we hadn’t adopted, we’d have only had daughters but then I can’t imagine my life without the boys or CJ so really it worked out for the best.

‘I thought Josh was joking when he said he had six siblings.’ Donna said with a smile. ‘A lot of the boys in our poli-sci class like to mess with me because, well, I suppose I can be quite gullible sometimes and they used to make up all sorts of things about themselves to see if I would believe it and I just thought it was another of those lies so I didn’t believe him for ages. He used to get so annoyed with me because he was actually telling the truth.’

‘I suppose you met Sam when he visited last summer?’

‘No, I didn’t actually. My family were in town for the weekend so I was spending time with them but I wish I had. Josh thinks we’d get on.’

‘You probably would.’ Abbey mused, she could see her youngest son getting on with Donna she had that same earnest nature and a wide-eyed curiosity that Sam possessed.

‘Josh talks about you all so much I feel like I already know you.’ Donna said almost shyly. ‘I suppose that’s why I didn’t really think twice about coming here because I felt like I knew you but I forgot that you don’t really know me.’

‘Oh, it’s no bother.’ Abbey said and this time she meant it. ‘Josh clearly cares for you a lot and I’m just glad he’s got such a good friend like you.’

Donna blushed bright red at that.

‘How’s Sam doing?’ She asked sincerely and Abbey could tell she wasn’t just asking to be polite.

‘Um.’ Abbey took a sharp breath in. ‘Better. He’s doing better. He’s awake but he’s still sleeping a lot and he’s going to need extensive physical therapy but he’s alive, he’s got some short- and long-term memory loss but the short term is getting a lot better. It’s just slow going.’

‘If there’s anything I can do to help, anything at all.’ Donna offered but Abbey interrupted her.

‘No, you’re a guest. You just spend time with Josh, believe me that is doing enough. I don’t think he’s coping very well with being apart from Sam.’

‘I’ll keep him distracted.’ Donna nodded seriously like she was glad to be given a task and Abbey guessed she probably was, Donna struck her as the kind of person who thrived under a to-do list.

‘When do you think you’ll head back?’ Abbey asked and Donna frowned.

‘I don’t know.’ She said slowly. ‘I mean it took me like two days to get here and my mom will want me back in time for Christmas.’

‘You don’t sound particularly enthused by the idea.’ Abbey remarked dryly and Donna flushed slightly.

‘Christmas is…’ She paused. ‘It’s nothing to do with Christmas really it’s just- I don’t know if you know but I recently broke up with my boyfriend.’

‘Josh mentioned it.’

‘Right. Well, my parents were expecting us to get engaged soon and they really loved him, I think they knew that he was probably my only reason to return to Wisconsin after I graduate and now that we broke up, I don’t have any big reasons to return so soon. I mean I’m only twenty, I don’t want to think of settling down just yet. Anyway, my older sister just got engaged and my mom’s still kinda mad that I broke up with Richard so things are just a bit tense at home.’

‘Well, you’re welcome to stay as long as you like. I’m afraid we won’t really be having a Christmas this year but you are welcome to stay for it, we’ll likely just spend it visiting Sam.’

‘Really? I wouldn’t be imposing in any way?’

‘Not at all. Like I said I think it would be good for Josh.’

‘Oh, ok well if you’re sure…’ 

‘Donna, I’m sure.’ Abbey said gentle but firm.

‘Thank you.’ Donna beamed at her. ‘I should call my mom and update her.’

‘If you want some support, I can always talk to her.’

‘No, it’ll be fine. She’ll understand, she just needs a little bit of time to be mad.’ Donna said shaking her head. ‘Thank you, though.’

‘You remember where the phone is?’ Abbey got a nod and a smile in return just before Donna left to phone her mother. CJ came back in as Donna left with a very grubby Zoey in tow.

‘Zoey! You’re filthy!’ Abbey exclaimed but Zoey merely shrugged, unbothered by Abbey’s disapproval. ‘Go and have a bath and then come down and I’ll sort dinner.’

Zoey huffed but obliged without much grace as Abbey listened to her stomp up the stairs.

‘What is for dinner?’ CJ asked gingerly combing through the rotting fruit in the fruit bowl for something she could eat.

‘I don’t know, it’s not like we’ve really had the time to go grocery shopping.’

‘We could order take out.’ CJ suggested as Liz drifted into the room.

‘Are we ordering take out?’ She asked.

‘Probably.’ Abbey sighed. ‘We haven’t really had the time to go grocery shopping.’

‘I can go now if you like.’ Liz offered glancing at the clock on the wall. ‘The store will still be open.’

‘Would you?’

‘Mom, it’s the least I can do.’ Liz said picking up her car keys, she paused at the kitchen door. ‘I told work I’d be back on Tuesday.’

‘Tuesday? But that’s the day after Christmas.’ Abbey said.

‘I know.’

‘I thought you were planning on staying for a couple of days at least.’

‘Mom… I’ve been away from work long enough, I can’t afford to take more time off, the fact that they gave me any time off at all is more than I could ask for.’

Abbey wanted to argue, wanted to impress upon Liz the importance of their staying together as a family but she also knew it wouldn’t make any difference. Liz was right she couldn’t afford to take time off, neither could Toby for that matter and Abbey made a mental note to talk to him about that later.

‘Ok.’ She said quietly. She would miss having Liz around the house it was such a rare occurrence she had tried to savor the time together but it was difficult when so much of her time was consumed by Sam and Josh. Liz left to go get some groceries and Donna re-entered the kitchen. 

‘How did it go?’ Abbey asked and Donna wrinkled her nose.

‘It was alright. She wasn’t happy but she understands that this where I need to be.’

‘That’s good then.’

‘Yeah.’ Donna mused. ‘I’m going to go check on Josh.’

‘He’ll still be sleeping. He usually sleeps for a while after he’s had his pills.’

‘I know. It’s just, it’s silly, but I don’t want him to be alone.’ Donna said going pink in the cheeks and suddenly it hit Abbey.

‘You’re in love with him.’ She said berating herself for not seeing it sooner, Josh may maintain that there was nothing between them but it was clear where Donna’s heart lay.

‘What? No, I’m not.’ Donna said quickly.

‘You are.’ Abbey replied gently. ‘Why else would you drive all this way?’

‘We’re friends.’ Donna protested. ‘And we have this thing…’

‘You wouldn’t stop for red lights, I know, Josh told me.’ Abbey sat at the table opposite Donna. ‘Donna, you’re in love with him.’

‘I’m not. I can’t…’ Donna whispered and her eyes shimmered with the glassy sheen of unshed tears. ‘He has this thing for Joey Lucas.’

‘Joey Lucas?’

‘She’s this girl… they met at debate society apparently she wiped the floor with him. He’s been smitten ever since.’ She gave a watery laugh. 

‘I’m sure Joey’s a lovely girl.’ Abbey said slowly, wondering at what point her son stopped confiding in her. ‘But you and I both know that won’t stop you from being in love with him.’

‘Please, don’t tell him.’ Donna whispered and Abbey reached across to hold her hand.

‘Your secret’s safe with me.’ She promised. ‘And between you and me, Josh would be a fool to let you pass him by.’ Donna smiled tearfully and wiped at her eyes.

‘Thank you.’

‘Now, how about when Liz gets back with some groceries, you help me cook? You don’t have to if you’d rather sit with Josh but I thought it might be nice to get to know each other better.’

‘That would be nice.’ Donna said quietly.

*****  
The car was silent on the drive back from the hospital, Toby’s father gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles as he peered out into the dark New Hampshire roads. Their visit had mainly consisted of the two of them staring at Sam’s sleeping body, neither really sure why they had decided to visit in the evening when Sam would surely be asleep and unlikely to wake until the morning. Toby hadn’t really been alone with his father not since the first time he saw Sam and now he wasn’t sure what to say to break the silence, truth be told he wasn’t sure that he should.

‘I’m surprised the office have let you have this much time off.’ His father said suddenly deciding to break the silence.

‘Hmm.’ Toby made a neutral noise of acknowledgement, not really replying and avoiding looking in his father’s direction.

‘Toby, are you even listening to me?’

‘I’m listening.’

‘Well?’

‘Well, what?’ Jed’s exasperated tone irked Toby and he sighed.

‘I quit my job, that’s why I have so much time off.’ The car went deathly silent and Toby turned his gaze to the dark landscape outside of his window.

‘You quit your job?’ Jed’s voice was calm and measured but Toby could hear the thread of anger running through it that simmered underneath.

‘They wanted me back last Monday and I said I wouldn’t go back. My boss told me that was grounds for dismissal and I thought I’d save them the trouble. I never liked it there anyway.’

‘Toby, you can’t just quit your job!’ Jed exclaimed angrily.

‘I’m needed here.’ Toby said quietly cutting across him. He could see his father was taken aback by that and it was like all of Jed’s anger dissipated from the car.

‘Your mother and I can manage.’ Jed said gently and Toby shook his head.

‘Sam needs me and Josh too.’ He said and, allowing himself a rare moment of sincere vulnerability, he added. ‘They’re my younger brothers and they need me here.’

‘Well, it’s hard to argue with that.’ Jed said softly. ‘Does Mom know?’

‘Uh, no.’ 

‘She’s gonna be pissed.’

‘I know.’

‘You should tell her sooner rather than later, you know, get it over and done with.’

‘I know.’

‘What are you going to do anyway? Josh and Sam aren’t going to need you around forever.’

‘I got an offer to work on Ed O’Rourke’s congressional campaign in the New Hampshire 1st district.’

‘You got an offer to work on a congressional campaign?’

‘A friend of mine from college is working on it already and he’s been trying to get me to join the campaign for months.’

‘Well… that’s good, Toby. It sounds like it’ll be a good fit for you.’ Jed said and Toby could tell he was trying not to sound too excited. The rest of the car journey continued in silence. When they got home the first thing they were greeted with was the sound of laughter. It was such a foreign sound to Toby’s ears lately that at first, he thought it was screams. They followed the laughter into the kitchen where they found Abbey stood by the stove stirring a pot of something doubled over in peals of laughter, CJ was sat on a countertop giggling hysterically, Liz stood next to her chopping vegetables the shaking of her shoulders betraying her silent laughter, and a blonde girl sat at the table a potato peeler in her hand laughing so much she was unable to keep peeling the potato she held in her other hand. Josh sat at the table next to her looking pale and skinny an affronted look on his face.

‘It did not happen like that!’ Josh said indignantly not noticing Toby and their father walking into the kitchen.

‘Liar!’ CJ shrieked still giggling uncontrollably. ‘I was there and I told you and Sam that you wouldn’t be able to start a fire as the fireplace had been welded shut but you didn’t listen-,’ She broke off into peals of laughter again.

‘The look on both of your faces when we found you after the fire alarm went off was priceless.’ Abbey said wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. 

‘It wasn’t like there was a sign or anything.’ Josh grumbled and Liz let out a loud ‘hah’ noise.

‘There was! Grandma literally taped a sign to the wall because she knew you would try and light the fire and you still ignored it.’

‘Well, it wasn’t an obvious sign.’ Josh said turning his head and relief flooded his face as he noticed Toby and Jed. ‘Dad, Toby. Did you just get back?’

‘Uh, yeah.’ Toby said coming further into the kitchen trying not to stare at the blonde girl peeling the potatoes.

‘Abbey, did you adopt another daughter whilst I was gone because I could have sworn, I only had two adult daughters when I left.’ Jed said loudly.

‘Dad, this is Donna she’s my friend from college.’ Josh said quickly and Donna jumped up sticking her hand out.

‘Donna Moss.’ She said brightly and Jed shook her hand. ‘It’s so nice to meet Josh’s family, at last, he talks about you all the time I almost feel like I already know everyone!’

‘Does he?’ Toby asked and Donna smiled warmly at him.

‘Uh-huh, all the time. You must be Toby.’ She stuck her hand out and Toby reluctantly shook it. She was far too perky for his liking. 

‘Donna’s going to be staying with us over Christmas.’ Abbey said continuing to stir whatever she was making as Donna added the now peeled and chopped potatoes to the pot.

‘She doesn’t have her own family to spend Christmas with?' Jed asked dryly reaching behind Abbey to grab a piece of chopped carrot.

‘I do but they’re in Wisconsin.’ Donna said. ‘I drove here you see and it took me like two whole days and the weather’s starting to get pretty bad back home. It just made sense for me to stay here for a while. Plus, I can keep Josh company.’ 

‘You drove from Wisconsin?’ Toby asked. Donna spoke very quickly and it was hard to keep up.

‘Yep.’ She smiled again, it seemed to be her default expression.

‘Why?’ Toby said incredulously and he couldn’t help but laugh a little bit, the situation seemed so strange.

‘Josh was in an accident…’ Donna said slowly looking to Josh for help like she didn’t know how else to explain it.

‘Donna can be quite impulsive.’ Josh supplied helpfully or un-helpfully judging by Donna’s hurt expression.

‘I wouldn’t say I’m impulsive.’ She said and Josh hurriedly tried to explain himself.

‘You don’t always think things through immediately.’ He said and Donna’s bottom lip quivered slightly so he anxiously added. ‘It’s not a bad thing! I think you were probably just so concerned about me that you forgot planes existed.’

‘I didn’t _forget_ that planes existed. In the moment, driving seemed like the better option.’

‘I bet it didn’t feel like the better option after two days of driving.’ Jed said dryly but with a twinkle in his eye.

‘How was Sam?’ Abbey asked swiftly changing the subject and Toby sat down next to Josh at the table.

‘Asleep.’ He said shortly. ‘But he seemed peaceful which is good, I guess.’

‘That is good.’ His mother said encouragingly even though they both knew it didn’t really make much of a difference.

‘He was awake for quite a while when I was with him earlier.’ CJ said. ‘He managed to stay awake for pretty much an entire hour.’

‘Was he talking the whole time?’ Abbey asked and CJ nodded.

‘Yeah, he was quite chatty actually, it almost felt like I was talking to Sam from before, you know? He was a bit like his old self.’ She paused before adding. ‘His memory isn’t great.’

‘Well, that’s to be expected.’ Abbey said diplomatically. ‘It’s going to be a slow recovery, was he very distressed?’ Distressed, Toby had noticed, was the word everyone kept using for whenever Sam did anything distinctly un-Sam like.

‘He was okay.’ CJ said very slowly and carefully like she was still deliberating on what word could accurately describe Sam’s state. ‘He swore at the nurse a few times when she tried to take his temperature but other than that he wasn’t too bad.’

‘Can I go see him tomorrow?’ Josh asked suddenly and Toby watched as Josh’s body language immediately turn defensive as soon as Abbey sighed.

‘Josh, I really don’t know if that’s such a good idea…’

‘I’ve only seen him once!’ Josh exclaimed.

‘And you are also recovering from your injuries. Josh you’ve had two surgeries in the past week, you need to rest. As does Sam. You won’t be up to it.’

‘You don’t know what I’ll be feeling up to.’

‘Joshua, are you a doctor?’

‘No, but-,’

‘Well, I am. So stop arguing back, we can see how you are tomorrow but you need your rest.’

‘Dad, tell her she can’t use the doctor card. It’s not fair.’

‘Josh, your mother knows what she’s talking about…’ Jed said carefully.

‘Oh, so you’re on her side, are you?’

‘I’m not on any side. I just want to make sure you get better.’

‘You are on her side! It’s like everyone’s out to stop me from seeing Sam like there’s a conspiracy to keep us apart.’

‘Josh, there is no conspiracy to keep you apart from Sam.’ Toby interjected tiredly, once he’d had enough of the arguing. He snuck a glance at Donna who looked embarrassed to be caught in the midst of a family argument. ‘You were in a car accident only a week ago and you still look like death. Once you can stay awake longer than four hours then maybe you’ll get to see Sam.’

Josh looked like he might argue back but after a quick glance at Donna who was nervously chewing her lip, he wisely held his tongue. 

‘Where are the girls?’ Jed asked after some silence had passed. “The girls” was how they all collectively referred to Ellie and Zoey, Toby wasn’t really sure why they did, they just always had just like how they always referred to Josh and Sam (and sometimes Toby as well) as “the boys”. He hadn’t really thought about how they didn’t have a collective nickname for CJ and Liz before Ellie was born, they used to be “the girls” but now he supposed they were a bit too old to be called that and “the women” just didn’t sound right.

‘I think they’re upstairs in their room.’ Abbey said. ‘I’ll call them down when dinner’s ready.’

‘So, Donna, how are you liking New Hampshire?’ Jed said directing his attention to Josh’ friend.

‘It’s nice.’ Donna said cheerily and Josh scoffed.

‘You haven’t seen any of it yet.’

‘Well, what I have seen, I’ve liked.’ Donna said stubbornly and Toby tried to hide his amusement at Josh’s expression, it was clear to Toby that Josh had found someone who was unafraid to go toe to toe with him.

‘You’ve only seen our house.’ Josh said.

‘And I like it very much.’ Donna replied calmly.

‘You know this house belonged to my father,’ Jed began sitting down at the table opposite Donna but he was interrupted by everyone groaning and he looked around at them incredulously, ‘What?’

‘And it belonged to his father before him.’ Josh said,

‘And his father before him.’ Toby continued.

‘And his father before him and so on.’ CJ finished. ‘And did you know, Donna, that his ancestor is the very same Josiah Bartlet who signed the declaration of independence?’

CJ’s tone was mocking but Donna’s gasp of amazement was not.

‘Really?’ She asked as Josh groaned loudly again.

‘Yes, he was.’ Jed said proudly obviously excited that someone was taking interest in his trivia for once. ‘Do you like national parks, Donna?’

‘Please, make it stop.’ Josh said his head in hands as Donna nodded and Jed launched into a spiel on the history of national parks.

‘Dinner’s ready.’ Abbey interrupted and Toby muttered ‘thank god’. ‘CJ, would you get your sisters please?’ She continued as she began to dish out their meal. The rest of the family began sitting up at the table moving things out of the way and laying out cutlery as they prepared to eat their first proper meal in over a week. Toby had to admit, as he looked around at his family (and Donna), that it was nice to spend this time with them and he was seized with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. If only Sam were with them, it might almost have been perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> So there ends chapter 1! I tried to make all the medical stuff as accurate as possible but there just comes a time where you have to say screw it, it's artistic license and hope that many years of watching ER and Grey's Anatomy will have come in handy. (won't lie I partially based Sam's injuries off of Callie's in season 7 of Grey's Anatomy)  
> Anyway, don't know when chapter 2 will be up but I am currently writing it and re-watching the west wing so my motivation is fairly high for it just don't hold your breath :)


End file.
